As January approaches, the familiar ritual begins: we make lists of things we want to change, habits we want to break, and goals we want to achieve. Yet by February, most of these resolutions have quietly faded away. The problem isn't a lack of willpower - it's that we're trying to change behaviors without understanding why they exist in the first place.

Every Behavior Has a Purpose

Here's a truth that might surprise you: the behaviors you want to change - whether it's emotional eating, procrastination, avoidance, or excessive people-pleasing - aren't random flaws in your character. They're adaptive strategies that, at some point in your life, served an important purpose.

Perhaps overeating provided comfort during a difficult period. Maybe procrastination protected you from the fear of failure. Avoiding conflict might have kept you safe in an unpredictable environment. These behaviors were solutions to real problems you faced, even if they no longer serve you well today.

The Problem with Traditional Resolutions

When we make New Year's resolutions, we typically focus on the what: "I want to stop stress eating," "I need to exercise more," "I should set better boundaries." We treat these behaviors as problems to be eliminated through sheer determination.

But when we try to simply remove a behavior without understanding its function, we're left with a void. The underlying need that behavior was meeting doesn't disappear - it just finds another, often equally unhelpful, outlet.

A Different Approach: Curiosity Over Criticism

This year, instead of making a list of behaviors to eliminate, try something different: approach your habits with curiosity rather than judgment.

Ask yourself:

• When did this behavior first become a pattern for me?
• What was happening in my life at that time?
• What need was this behavior meeting? (ie comfort, safety, control, connection, distraction) 
• How is this behavior trying to help me, even now?
• What does this behavior protect me from feeling or facing?

These questions aren't meant to excuse behaviors that harm you or others. Rather, they're an invitation to understand the nucleus beneath your actions. When you understand why a behavior exists, you can address the underlying need directly rather than just battling the symptom.

Making This Year Different

As you move into the new year, consider this alternative to traditional resolutions:

1. Choose one behavior pattern you'd like to understand better - not eliminate, just understand.
2. Spend time exploring its history and function in your life. Journal about it, talk with a therapist, or simply sit with gentle curiosity about when and why this pattern emerged.
3. Identify the underlying need this behavior has been trying to meet. 
4. Brainstorm healthier alternatives that could meet that same need. 
5. Experiment with small steps toward these alternatives, noticing what works and what doesn't without harsh self-judgment.
6. Be patient with the process. Behaviors that took years to develop won't change overnight. Progress isn't linear, and setbacks are part of learning.

A Resolution Worth Keeping

This year, instead of resolving to be different, resolve to understand yourself more deeply. When you know why you do what you do, you gain the power to make conscious choices about who you want to become. That's not just a New Year's resolution—it's a foundation for lasting growth and genuine self-acceptance.

Change doesn't require you to wage war against yourself. It requires you to become curious about yourself, compassionate toward your struggles, and creative in finding new ways forward. That's the kind of resolution that can transform not just a year, but a lifetime.